The following is a summary of remarks made by students, parents, police and staff during a moderated discussion that covered the topics related to negotiating limits with parents: curfews, drinking and driving and, parties with no adult supervision. The students performed three skits depicting their experiences with these scenarios. The group then discussed the behaviors and attitudes displayed in the skits and offered comments on what parents and teens can do to better negotiate limits.

What Our Kids Are Saying:

*Youngest kid in a family always gets a more lenient curfew than the older sibs had when they were that age. Different rules for sibs makes the younger sib feel like a baby. Be sure to explain curfew privileges are earned and different relative to age of teen.

*No consequences to behavior, parents do nothing, the behavior won't change.

*No reactions, no restrictions, teen feels parents don't care.

*Kids have different styles for dealing with their parents, each style has different results.

*There are double standards for curfews-gender differences.

*If curfew unresolved issue in family each time teen goes out a new decision has to be made-not a good plan.

*Parents need to be more flexible, kids plans change.

*My parents and I have a "trust thing".

What Parents Can Do:

*Plan ahead by discussing with your teen what curfew limits you feel comfortable with. Avoid "door knob" decisions.

*Negotiation with your teen involves guidelines but also take into account the individual situation and the individual teen. Negotiation considers such things as: age of teen, past history, weeknight versus school-night, where the teen wants to go , with whom and what is being planned/ happening.

*A firm curfew gives kids permission to come home and yet save "face' with their peers

*Parents have to be willing to take the one a.m. distress call from their teens if/when they call to get a ride home.

* Parents need to talk to their kids about what they think is important

*Parents share your values with your teens

*Teach them by example

*Parents we see ourselves short when we think we don't make a difference-your kids do listen when you take the time to talk with them. Teens do hear parents even when it appears that they are not listening.

*Parents if you do share your own war stories do it with caution, it may backfire.

What Our Kids Are Saying:

*Kids who drink don't drive. Kids who do drink and drive are not looked up to by other kids

*Most kids who go out plan ahead and have a designated driver-kids do plan ahead

*Not true that over one half of the high school population drinks. I don't know why the kids who don't drink choose not to drink-maybe they don't like the taste. The ones who do choose to drink-experiment to see what its like -to see if they like it or not.

*Peer pressure to drink is not as much as parents think. If you don't drink and don't do drugs-IT'S OKAY.

*Peer pressure is something you create for yourself. Its something of your own doing.

What Parents Can Do:

*Parents need to stress the importance of teens designating someone to stay sober to be responsible and be the designated driver.

*Talk to your teen about what you think is important. Let them know ahead of time what your rules are about teens using alcohol, drugs and engaging in sexual activity. Even if teens look like they aren't hearing what parents are saying they are listening and do hear the parental message.

*Problem solve ahead of time. Remember that cognitive function is compromised if the kid is drunk compromising problem solving ability. When intoxicated the teens memory of "a rehearsed plan" on what to do may also be compromised. Reason to support efforts to teens identify someone as a designated driver.

*The law: In N.H. for those under 21 years of age operating under the influence is driving with a blood alcohol level of .02 - and this happens when a teen takes one drink. (For adults illegal blood alcohol level is .08)

*Parents should know the signs of alcohol (ETOH) poisoning and be sure that teens are aware of the signs and symptoms of severe/potentially lethal alcohol overdose and what to do.

*Parental influence greatest if their is a long term good relationship between parent and child.

What Our Kids Are Saying:

*Kids are conflicted unsure, fearful of making the wrong decision.

*Parties are most stressful for the host

*Not every child left alone is going to have a party. Parents should know their kid well enough to know whether their teen would have a party when they, the parents, are not home.

*Most of the parties around here, the host stays sober

*A party can suddenly explode with a lot of uninvited guests

*I don't think that I am immortal. Whenever I go out I carry a huge list of people I could call if something should happen unexpectedly, that is a list of adults I can call for help.

*As the "good parent" shouldn't you tell your kids that you don't want them to do things that are illegal?

*Parents should leave their kids alone a few times before they go off to college-otherwise it's too much of a change from home to college. Kids have to learn to take responsibility for themselves before they go away to college.

*Its sad that only a concern about legal liability provides a compelling incentive for some parents to stay at home with their kids when there is a teen party.

*The more you deny a problem exists the worse it will get. Parents have to say something. Don't just say to your kids, "You can't do this anymore". Parents have to give this thoughtful consideration, give reasons, act like you know what the kid is doing, look for signs of alcohol, or substance use/abuse-pay attention to your kid.

*Kids don't like it when their parents are disappoint in them. Parents show them you do know what they are up to-but be careful not to falsely accuse.

What Parents Can Do:

*Parents can miss how their kids change-this can cause parents to be caught by surprise-the unexpected does happen.

*Parents get to know your child's friends and their families. Build a small safety network amongst the families, be open to sharing your house rules-be respectful of others house rules. Work to foster honest open communication in the parent group and discuss rules, expectations for teen behaviors relative to curfew, drinking, sex, drugs, etc.

*Use the safe party network-that means make that call to the parent of the teen who is hosting the party.

*Host (even if under age) can be held legally liable for serving alcohol to anyone under the age of 21.

*Civil lawsuit has more serious monetary consequences: Parents need to know that even if they are not on the premises when the party happen they are legally liable for gross negligence if a teen leaves the party, gets into an accident, is injured, underage and intoxicated.

*There are many more reasons not to leave kids alone on the weekend besides fear that they will party and drink. Teens can get sick or have an accident and need to have adults they can call on for help when their own parents are not at home.

*For parents who are uncomfortable with leaving their kids alone there are other ways to encourage the development of individual responsibility.

*Parent s need to know their teens friends. Unsupervised time has to be well planned out ahead of time and not be open ended. Recent research shows that the two biggest predictors of risky behavior is not related to economic status but to grades in school, the kinds of friends the child has and what the kids do when they get together-Key: pro-active planning and adult presence.

*Parents you have to be there for your kids, be awake when your teen comes home even if it is late at night. Pay attention to what they are doing, be available to them.

*Parents you can't take "fun" things away from your teens and not replace them with other things that are fun. Talk to your kids, find out what they like to do.

*Parents work together, it takes more than one adult to hold down the fort and act pro actively to help keep our kids safe. Parents can use the SAFE PARTY NETWORK to achieve this "village" of parents. Form your own parent network-a group of ten or twenty adults -a couple of families who do social things together, who have settled on some shared values and have come to some agreement on what is and what is not acceptable behavior, about what will or will not go on when their kids get together.

What do kids do if the party has gotten out of hand? Call the police?

*** Police Chief's Ans. Young women (21 y.o.) did call the police to remove uninvited guest at a party at her home. Police do give deference to the young person who calls even is that person is younger than 21. Police do give the teen who makes the call the benefit of doubt and will work with that teen to get the uninvited guests off of the premises.

1. Will the kids who are present automatically be arrested?

*** Answer: No. Some kids will run and just leave. The police officers will attempt to evaluate those kids present and determine if they are intoxicated or not. Those who are not intoxicated and do not process alcohol will not be charged. If it can be determined that a kid is intoxicated then that kid's parents will be called. If it can be determined that a kid supplied alcohol to the other underage kids at the party then that kid will be charged for providing alcohol to minors.

2. What should a teen do if a party has gotten out of hand and they are home alone?:

***Answer: If you don't want to call police have a list of other adults you can call on for help. Make this list ahead of time, be sure these adults will respond when they are called.

3. Special service provided by Hanover Police Dept.

Police officers will check on a house if parents call and notify police that they are going to be away and that a teen is left home alone. Police do not want to be in situation of 'babysitting" but they will check in on house.

***Parents please be aware that college fraternity and sorority parties are not open to high school students.

 

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