Are you going to wear that outfit to school? You could learn something from the way that Joey hits the ball. When I was your age I got good grades all the time. I can't believe that you didn't remember your lines in the play! How long does it take you to forget a negative comment made about you or something you did? Research says it takes 10 positive comments to offset just 1 negative one. If you are like me you will spend the rest of the day maybe even the week festering over a negative remark. Why are we so obsessed with perfection, doing things the best way on our first or second try? If we don't let our kids try and fail and be okay with it, how will they be internally motivated to do things for themselves? Some kids don't have obvious talents like being good at sports, music or art. Being a good friend, a lover of nature, a compassionate brother or sister, an avid reader or someone who can organize well are all worthwhile and laudable traits. We need to seek out those positive traits in our kids and neighbor's kids and remind them that they should be proud of their strengths. Nan Henderson, an authority in the field of resiliency&emdash;the ability to bounce back after a difficult experience&emdash; says: what's right about you is more important than what is wrong about you." In a recent Gallup Poll the following question was posed to a representative sample of 1,016 Americans: "Which would help you be more successful in life: knowing what your weaknesses are and attempting to improve them; or knowing what your strengths are and attempting to build on them?" Of all those surveyed, only half believed that the secret to success lies in their strengths. Ben Franklin described wasted strengths as "sundials in the shade." This recent Gallup research perhaps illustrates the reason so many of us feel it is important to point out each other's shortcomings rather than our strengths. I think Nan Henderson and Ben Franklin are on the right track. We need to make an effort to shine a light on our kid's strengths so they will know what they are and try to find ways to put them to work. Kids who only hear negative comments rarely believe that a compliment could be genuine. How can someone who does so many things poorly do anything good? Teachers often see this in their classrooms. Their students are afraid to speak out in class for fear of getting the wrong answer and looking stupid. Over time the negative comments are compounded. It is vital that young people have a sense of their positive attributes and how to use them. BOAST, Building Our Assets for a Safer Tomorrow, is a local organization that aims to build on the developmental assets all youth should have in their lives. These assets are strength based and positive. They include having adult role models, a commitment to school, valuing helping others, resisting negative peer pressure and feeling personal control over things. Research has shown that the more assets a young person has in her life the less likely she will partake in risk taking behaviors and the more resilient she will be when facing difficult situations. So what can you do today to support your child and play up their strengths? Most parents are quick to make a positive comment to a child about an accomplishment, unfortunately it is often followed by "but", which inevitably brings the negative comment. Try replacing "but" with "and" in comments made to children. It takes a little practice because it's not as easy as it seems. I know you are having fun, but the noise is driving me crazy could be I know you are having fun and it sounds like you need to move the game outside. I like your shirt Emily, but it doesn't match the pants, could be changed to I like your shirt Emily and it would stand out even more with a blue or green pair of pants. Instead of simultaneously praising and then condemning, the comment in the "and" statement suggests that the shirt would be enhanced by another choice of pants, leaving that choice up to the child. Karen you played an awesome game, but you need to work on getting yourself between your man and the basket. Instead, Karen you really defended your man well under the basket, and I liked the way you guarded her from scoring at the end of the first half. This way you point out the positive behavior and site an example. Another thing you can try at home with your family is to take an inventory of all the things you and your children do well. If your kids can't come up with any obvious suggestions be ready with a few to get them started. Ask each other how you can use one another as resources. It's really important to point out that no one is an expert at everything, and it is important to try different things and experiences to find out what you could be good at. Sometimes it takes practice to become proficient, others times it is a natural talent. You will never know until you try and you will never know if you are willing to make the sacrifice to be good at something unless you are exposed to lots of experiences. Regardless as parents, teachers, siblings and friends we need to support each other for trying. Most kids quickly figure out what they are good at, but unless it is valued by their peers, their families and society they might not easily recognize their strengths. Catch them being good is a well worn phrase but it works and it applies to helping young people become more confident in their talents and abilities. So hold your tongue the next time you want to make a negative comment and if you can't, just make sure you have ten sincere positive comments to offset the one negative remark. As the old Johnny Mercer song says, "You've got to accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative."

Leslie Williamson is a certified secondary teacher and parent of two children. She is the co-Director of BOAST, Building Our Assets for A Safer Tomorrow, a local organization with the goal of creating a community-wide commitment to the healthy development of all youth using the asset approach. You can contact Leslie at boast@valley.net or visit the BOAST web site: www.boastonline.org to learn more about asset building.